I just passed my 18th year of being released from prison, and I can hardly believe it. It has actually been 22 years since I woke up in the county jail, tore up on speed facing a murder charge. I hope you don’t mind, but I am going to be very raw in this post. I have some confessing to do; along with finding some encouragers and love.
Some may decide to cast stones, but that makes me no never mind. See, after accusing someone else, and seeing there face in jail because I was trying to save my own butt, I had to come clean. I took that girls life, and the really pathetic thing about the whole situation was 1. It was over $60 and respect, (oh brother); and 2. It was something I never would have done, as I was quite fond of boxing whenever and whoever. I finally told the police the real story, (this was after sleeping for about a month in jail), and it was wait time. I knew that my life of addiction was going to end either this way, or me being dead; but it didn’t matter. That life was all I knew. Because I was such a maniac, people in that walk of life love that, and I needed love. What I thought was love anyway.
I have a whole other thought about why I went to prison, and some of it being the fact that my Father saved me for something else. I managed to put together a little over 8 years of sobriety; began a relationship with my teenage daughter; and life seemed to be good for a while. I found out I contracted Hep-C from my addiction; took the treatment, and praise the Lord stayed undetectable afterwards. Unfortunately, deep down inside something was still missing. I had it in there as I will write something from one of my journals when I was in the program of AA/NA; however, I never pursued it. Sad to say, that one fateful day came when I once again succumbed to my addiction. Being sober for so long, and never really having tried controlled drinking, I was sure it wouldn’t get me. I was pretty stoked when I got smashed and realized I didn’t blow up as I had always feared. Man, I really wish I would have…lol
Since then, I went through an addiction of heroin, yes heroin; one of which at the end I met my Savior for who He was. I won’t say there was any discussion of sin or confession other than Lord help me. I can still remember that day so vividly; maybe because I am saying it again now. Once again, ten years after that day He took away my addiction to heroin, I am back drinking and popping pills. Time and time again I wake up sick with a resolve to never do that again; go to meetings and just plain knock it off. Yeah right. A few days of cleaning it up, and whoop there goes gravity, time for another drink. I have a myriad of excuses as to why I am justified; and off I go.
Well now it has gotten pretty bad again. I do not see myself doing something as drastic as taking someones life; however, I have had a few where I wished I could check out. Then comes my Jesus. Through all the chatter, and self hate; stress and complete defeat, I hear His voice. I try not to listen most of the time, cause that old religion bug has still got me thinking at times I am not worthy to have Him speak with me in this state. Unfortunately for religion, I cannot get away from Him, as I now know He lives inside me. Always has really; I just didn’t know it. One thing I can say for sure through all this dumb behavior I have been living in is that there truly is no condemnation. To be perfectly honest, I sometimes wish there was. I have never been one to learn things the easy and safe way. But there is none! Period. Only the gentle coaxing of a loving Father with a ring, a fatted calf; a robe and sandals, and a party list! The bottom line is this…I am not an addict, but my flesh is. Argue with me if you may, it’s true! During all the times I was sloshed, I know my Jesus never went anywhere because He never stopped trying to talk me out of what I was doing. I have never been one to deal with emotional pain well; but it is high time I start again. It is no wonder His mercies are new every day because this saint needs it! And His love and mercy does endure forever…can I get an amen!
So for those of you that are addicts, I feel for you and want to be a part of your life. I may not have a whole lot to give right now as my marriage has been suffering tremendously behind all this; but I will do whatever I can. I had a hard time thinking about going back to meetings as it chaps my hide how they bag on you if you say the name Jesus; but after being in religion for as long as I was, it is not surprising. My new philosophy is, “Hey, if you wanna believe in a doorknob, or whatever; have at it! Whatever keeps you sober, and loving and caring about each other.” Jesus can take care of Himself in that regard.
As promised, I am going to write down an excerpt from one of my journals from when I was in the program and did not want religion, (smart girl), for it was too strict and full of rules and regulations. I have since come to understand that much deeper of course, but that isn’t my Jesus. He was walking me through then, and He is walking me through this somewhat humiliating confession now. Actually, it is quite healing to be spilling the beans. My life is an open book now, and He will deal with any shame He died to take away. We all do dumb things in this life; just ain’t too many willing to fess up!I understand this is social media, and it can be taken out of context and used against me; but I think I will just have to trust my Jesus with that. He has been bugging and bugging me to write this for someone. Who I do not know; but I can only send a prayer of healing with it. You can read more details about my life on the About Lisa page, and may you know that He is there, and you are not alone. Lovin you as I am loved…Lisa
Not sure what year this is, but it was written 1997 or 8:
Dear God, What meditations you have blessed me with today. They have told me through loving and forgiving I can have peace. And by seeking you and letting you know I desire to do your will, I will find peace. You bless me over and over and I am truly grateful. I want to be a good example. Help to believe that I am special, and in turn can work to let everyone I know they are special too! Thank you for another morning waking up sober.
These tools help tremendously, so doorknob or not; if you are an addict, the program can really help! Peace out!