Recently I have been very depressed and sad. Naturally I run to Poppa and ask Him, “Why am I feeling this? Won’t I ever experience that peace that so many tout all over the internet? It seems I am sad more often than I am joyful, why? I am completely devoted to You, and yet it seems you are not helping me, why? Why? Why? Why?
The only answer I hear is it ain’t called faith for nothing! Careful examination of the word faith and you will find the biblical definition of it to be things hoped for and things not seen. He never promised me a bed of roses, and I would imagine as I grow older and my husband does as well, we will suffer more things in this tent called the flesh. On a positive note, I can see that as my outer man grows corrupt with age, it is producing newness in my inner man just as He did say it would happen. Sometimes faith is all I have; and as I lay in bed at night crying over the situations of life, it is the morning I discover fresh love and faith!
I still have pain over the break up of my church family and the incredible lack of love they showed us over questioning their theology and common teachings. My daughter has her own life in that church still, and could basically not give a rat’s ass about me either which stabs me to the core. I sometimes feel like I am messing with her perfect little life by not being that model grandma she would like; but how many times do I have to be stabbed in the heart because my grand kids could also not give a rat’s ass about me as they do not know me from all the other millions of people they come in contact with on any given day. Sure they know me as gramma, and actually run up to me and hug me for which I am grateful; but that is the extent of our interaction. I cry many nights over that situation, but at the same time I am happy for her. Weird huh? I ain’t looking for sympathy, just getting some thoughts off my chest ok!
Anyways, I just woke up this morning wanting to write and spill some of my heart. I started reading the bible over again now that I have a better understanding of the shadow and of my Father who is love. I will have some things to post on that journey soon. That is another sad situation because so many are rejecting Him due to letting man interpret who He is for them rather than the spirit which is ready and willing to teach them about Himself! I see Him moving to correct that and I am excited about it. Again, it ain’t called faith for nothing, and as I walk by faith, He shows me things I would not have otherwise seen. More is yet to come. Thanks for listening to my rambling.
Grace and peace…..Lisa